i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
