No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
