She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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