Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
