It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
