i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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