the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
