Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
