I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
