he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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