So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
