you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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