my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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