I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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