i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
