I am puke
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
