I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
