What did we do last night that was yellow?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
