porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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