in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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