I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
