I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
