You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
