I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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