you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
