When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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