Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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