Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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