3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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