ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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