you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
