my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
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