How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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