I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
