sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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