omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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