Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
