Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
