No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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