Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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