So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
