The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
