I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Randomize
