is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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