if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
