does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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