I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
