from now on my penis is your penis
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Randomize
