My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
