I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
