Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Found your dick twin last night
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
