i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
